dear god. 
back home
2024.10.31 i haven't done anything exciting for halloween since i was 10 years old. no one has ever liked me enough to include me in their plans. i can speculate my whole life over what's wrong about me, but it won't make anything better. i just have to move forward. at least i have friends now who would include me, but we're scattered across the country, and now the globe, so we can't see each other often.
for the past couple of years, i've took a bit of time to observe samhain privately. i don't rigidly belong to any set religion or belief system, but i find a lot of value and comfort in samhain's focus on reflecting on what has gone and what has changed in our lives, and then moving forward. i get so distressed on the daily remembering things that i've been through, no matter how small or how long ago it was. everything still hurts and enrages me like it's fresh. it's good to have a reminder like this day, and it's helpful to my mental health in a way that is usually very hard to achieve.
2024.10.29 i wish i could experience everything for the first time again. even though i'll still make mistakes, i feel like they would be less awful than all the ones i've made. i also want to watch heathers and feel the same passion i felt for it when i was fourteen.
over the past year, a lot has changed and shifted for me socially, and while i've lost lots of people, i've found new people who i have much more meaningful relations with. it feels like my social life is much more aligned with what i want and who i really am now. before then, it never occurred to me how much i was people-pleasing and trying to prove something to people who never actually cared much about me. every time i removed someone off of all my socials, i anticipated it would be painful, but i actually felt nothing, because the vast majority were never really my friends and just DMed me from time to time. it awakened me to how isolated i really am, and how the digital world can trick you into thinking you're connecting with people, when most of the time it's just empty. interacting with each other's posts at a surface level really is not a friendship. thankfully, i actually have friends who are actively my friends and want to be around me and get to know me and laugh with me, and it's a great time. only took twenty-one years. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
i have never been interested in drinking alcohol, but i know for a fact now i could NEVER drink it under any circumstances. i fear i may confess too much to certain people
2024.10.28 one year ago, i learned what it felt like to collapse. this is where my health anxiety started, and the panic attacks that have plagued me since then, ironically, make my health worse. for someone who uses death as an aesthetic all the time, i am fucking terrified of it. my whole life so far has amounted to nothing. i have to do something before i fade.
